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  “I promise.”

  And just like that, our friends with benefits relationship is over.

  Friday, September 28

  1 p.m.

  Awkward road trip fights.

  Five of us end up coming. Ty, Micah, Andrea, Chelsea, and me, of course. Carter didn’t want to come because Julie was coming for a visit. Eric wanted to come, but he still doesn’t have his passport. He said he is going to apply for one today, though, so, hopefully, he will get to come on our next trip. Ty asked Gabe to come, but he had a paper due. Plus, even though he says we’re going to be friends, I doubt that he really wants to be stuck in a car with his ex-girlfriend.

  Ty is taking the first driving shift. He is sitting up front with Chelsea, who has motion sickness. We stopped to grab her some motion sickness medicine from the store, but she’s sitting up there until the medicine kicks in.

  I’m in the back, sitting between Andrea and Micah.

  “You know, Vancouver isn’t nearly as romantic as France,” Micah says.

  I laugh. “No, definitely not. But a road trip is fun. We can go to France later.”

  “So, you’ll go to France with me?” he asks.

  Andrea leans forward to look at Micah. “I’d love to go to France.”

  I grin at Micah, because I’m pretty sure his romantic getaway didn’t including bringing my best friends along.

  “I think they wanted to go alone,” Chelsea says from the front seat, not bothering to look back. “I mean, it is France. The city of love.”

  “Oh,” Andrea says. “I thought you and Ty—”

  Ty cuts her off. “We’re just friends.”

  His eyes meet mine in the rearview mirror, and for a moment I think I see worry in them. And I feel guilty. I shouldn’t. I stopped sleeping with Ty. He knows exactly where I am and how I feel. I shouldn’t be feeling guilty just because I don’t want to be in a relationship with him.

  But I do.

  And it sucks.

  Micah looks at me, probably trying to gage what is going on between Ty and me. I told him that we were just friends. He knows that Ty and I dated a long time ago, but he doesn’t know our recent history. It’s not like I was going to tell him that we are sleeping together.

  “Chelsea, why don’t you turn on some music,” I say to her. “My playlist is already loaded.”

  She turns on the radio and the car fills with one of my favorite Scissor Sisters songs. Chelsea turns in her seat to look at me.

  “You like the Scissor Sisters?” she asks, her mouth hanging open.

  “Yeah. I love them.”

  Chelsea turns to Micah. “Remember when I told you that I liked her?”

  Micah nods.

  “Well, I’ve changed my mind,” Chelsea says. “I love her. And if you don’t date her, I will turn lesbian just so I can date her.”

  He laughs. “You know when I first met you, I thought you were a lesbian.”

  “What?” she asks. “Seriously? I love penis too much.”

  Ty’s mouth falls open at Chelsea’s comment. Andrea and I both laugh.

  “Have you met Ty?” Andrea asks Chelsea. “Because he sounds perfect for you.”

  Ty winks at Chelsea and I can’t help it, I feel jealous. But then I realize that I have no right to feel that way. I’m the one who told Ty he could date other girls. I’m the one who told him I didn’t want to be in a relationship. And I told him I wanted to date other guys. Yet, here I am.

  God, what made me think this trip was a good decision? Ty has made it very clear that he wants to date me. And on the other hand, Micah has too. I haven’t known him as long as I have Ty, but he’s a pretty cool guy. I like him. I mean, I’m not sure if I like him like that.

  I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust my feeling or emotions. In the recent past, I have made some pretty poor decisions when it comes to with whom I trust my heart. I don’t want to make that mistake again. And even though I say I’m over what Ty did to me, I’m really not. He left emotional scars and I don’t think they’ll ever fully heal. But the same goes for Gabe and Brian. Every guy I date I give my heart to, and when I get it back, it’s always a little more broken. And I’m scared to feel that pain again, no matter who it is with.

  “Sorry, babe,” Chelsea says to Ty. “I like being single way too much. Even though you do have incredible eyes.”

  “That was the first thing I noticed about you,” I tell Ty.

  “What was the second?” he asks.

  I laugh. “Well, pretty much one of the first things out of your mouth was that you wanted to fuck me.”

  “I stand behind that statement,” he says. “Though, considering you were a virgin when we met, maybe it wasn’t the best thing to say.”

  “Probably not,” I agree. “Because then you proceeded to tell me how screwed up you were and how soon, I would be, too. I actually thought you were crazy at the time, but now I get it.”

  I am screwed up.

  “You’re screwed up because of my dad, not because of the lifestyle,” he says. “If I had known you better, I wouldn’t have said that.”

  “So how long have you two known each other?” Chelsea asks.

  “Just over a year,” I answer.

  “And you two dated, right?” Micah asks.

  He knows the answer to this, but I answer anyway. “Yeah, we did. For like three months when I first moved to California.”

  “I was her first,” Ty tells him.

  “My first boyfriend,” I correct.

  “And your first kiss,” he says.

  “But that’s it.”

  “Because you broke up with me.”

  “Because you cheated on me,” I say. “I mean, it was more than the cheating. Ty, you left me at our homecoming dance to hook up with Jacqueline Hoff in the girl’s bathroom. Freaking Jacqueline Hoff. And I get that she’s dead now, and I probably shouldn’t talk bad about her, but that girl hated me. You should have known that would hurt me. And then you made me feel bad for dating Gabe after you did that to me.”

  “Maybe we should have this conversation when we aren’t with a car full of people,” he says.

  “You’re the one who brought it up,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “I thought you were over it.”

  “I thought I was too.”

  The song changes to Straight Up by Paula Abdul.

  Thankfully, because Chelsea uses the song to abruptly change the subject.

  “Really? Scissor Sisters to this?” she asks.

  I shrug. “This was my mom’s favorite song.”

  “I like it,” Andrea says. “It’s catchy.”

  “I do too,” Micah agrees.

  With that, silence falls over the car. It’s awkward. And I’m not sure what to say, but I’m not sorry I said it. It needed to be said. I just wish I would’ve had the guts to say it when we weren’t on a road trip.

  9 p.m.

  Oregon.

  Eight hours into the trip and we are finally in Oregon. It took over six hours just to get out of California. We all decide to stop for the second time. We stop at a gas station to go to the bathroom, stretch our legs, and get some caffeine. Ty is also tired of driving, so we are all going to change seats. Micah has volunteered to drive.

  I get in the front with Micah, Chelsea says that her motion sickness pill is working fine, so she doesn’t need to sit up front anymore. Ty doesn’t look happy that I’ll be sitting up front, but he doesn’t say anything.

  I just wish I wasn’t so confused about my feelings for Ty. More than anything, I want to forget what happened between us when we first started dating. How is it possible that I trust him, but I can’t stop thinking about him cheating on me? It’s not normal and it’s definitely not healthy.

  When we get back into the car, we aren’t on the road for long before Ty, Chelsea and Andrea are all asleep in the backseat.

  “So how far are we away from Vancouver?” I ask Micah.

  “About eight h
ours,” he answers.

  I groan. “What made me think it was a good idea to road trip it?”

  “Road trips are fun.”

  “If we had taken my dad’s jet, we would’ve been there about five or six hours ago.”

  “True,” Micah says. “But this is still kind of nice. I haven’t been to Oregon in forever.”

  “I’ve never been to Oregon.”

  He grins. “See, this trip wasn’t for nothing. You got to see Northern California, Oregon and soon you’ll get to see Washington. We’re going right through Seattle.”

  “It’ll be my first time in Washington too,” I say, pulling my feet into the seat. It’s a long drive. I may as well get comfy. “This is kind of exciting.”

  “It’s fun to do stuff with you.”

  “Why?” I ask, looking over at Micah. He looks good driving my car.

  “Because everything is so exciting to you,” he answers. “To me, traveling is so normal. I did it a lot as a child. And I guess it all becomes a blur after a while. But with you, it’s fun again. You make it feel like a new experience.”

  “The best part of experiencing anything is who you experience it with,” I say.

  “Are you glad I’m with you for this?”

  “Yeah. Definitely,” I answer. “I couldn’t imagine doing this with anybody else.”

  Micah smiles at my comment. “So, not to ruin the mood, but I have a question. What is the deal with you and Ty?”

  “We’re just friends.” It’s an automatic answer when it comes to Ty. But it isn’t completely true in regards to how I’m feeling. I just wish I knew how to explain it. I’m mostly just confused.

  “Does Ty know that you’re just friends?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “To be honest, I may have done some things recently that confused him about the whole friendship thing.”

  “What did you do?” Micah asks.

  I don’t know how to answer this question. I mean, I don’t exactly want to tell Micah that I had sex with Ty. The more that I think about it, the worse I feel. I was so not ready for an intimate relationship. By being friends with benefits, all I did was distract myself from feeling heartbreak with Gabe. I should’ve just let myself mourn our relationship. Instead, now I have feelings that I don’t want to feel. Feelings from my break up with Ty, Gabe, and Brian.

  I hate thinking about Brian.

  I hate missing him.

  And not just Brian. I miss his entire family—especially Olivia. More than anything, I want to contact her. I want to ask her if she’s okay. I want our friendship back.

  “Did you sleep with him?” Micah asks, disrupting my thoughts. “Because, if you did, that doesn’t make you a bad person.”

  “Ty and I are not together,” I say again. “And yeah, I slept with him. I shouldn’t have, because I knew how he felt. I also knew how I felt. He’s one of my best friends, but I don’t want to be with him, not like that, you know? So, yeah, it kind of does make me a bad person.”

  “Have you... stopped?”

  “Yeah,” I answer. “After we hung out on Wednesday, Ty was really jealous. And I knew what he wanted—commitment. And the thought of committing just made me panic. So I told him until I figured out what I wanted, we couldn’t... you know... anymore.”

  “It’s okay to feel confused,” Micah says. “You’re eighteen years old. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be in a relationship.”

  His words make so much sense. And they make me feel relief.

  “You’re right,” I say. “And I don’t want to be in a relationship. I spent my whole senior year of high school in a relationship. I jumped from one guy to the next and I don’t want that. I just need to process. I need to have a broken heart for a little bit. And I want to do more stuff like this—road tripping, hanging out with friends, and just having fun. This is what college is supposed to be about.”

  “Exactly,” Micah agrees.

  “I changed my mind about Paris. I want to go,” I tell him.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. I also want to go to Australia, the Bahamas, Jamaica, the UK, Italy, Spain, South Korea, and every other place that I haven’t been that I can’t think of off the top of my head,” I say.

  “Can I come with you?”

  “Ugh, yeah. I want everybody there. I want to make crazy awesome memories.”

  “I can’t wait,” Micah says.

  “Me too.”

  1 a.m.

  Seattle.

  There are only about two hours left in our journey, and I am wide awake. I’m not sure if I’m awake because of the two energy drinks I had or because I’m excited. We are officially in Seattle. We stopped at a gas station just after crossing the Washington state line and Micah and I switched places. Everybody in the backseat slept right through the stop. Micah has stayed awake with me.

  An Eagles song comes on the playlist and Micah looks over at me.

  “You keep surprising me,” he says.

  “Why?”

  “I have not heard one repeat song the whole twelve hours we’ve been in the car,” he says. “And the variety. Wow. Classic rock. Classical music. Rap. Pop. Alternative. Dance. Electronic. I think I even heard a jazz song earlier.”

  “I love music. It’s definitely something I got from my mom.”

  “Your mom sounds awesome,” Micah says. “I wish I would’ve had the opportunity to meet her.”

  “I wish you could’ve, too. I miss her a lot. I think she would be proud of me now,” I say. “She always wanted me to go to a good school. Though, maybe she would’ve been mad at my choice to turn down Stanford.”

  Micah laughs. “I didn’t even apply to any ivy league colleges, much to my parent’s dismay. I didn’t want to spend four years of my life with people just like me. I wanted diversity.”

  “I’m sure ivy league colleges aren’t just people with rich parents,” I say.

  “Well, either they have rich parents or they’re really freaking smart,” he says. “So, basically, like high school.”

  “I guess you do have a point,” I say. “My high school was the same. Rich kids or scholarship kids. And, to be honest, neither group really got along.”

  “I bet you got along with both groups.”

  “I did. My best friend was there on scholarship.”

  “Andrea?” he asks.

  “No. Um... Olivia. You don’t know her. We aren’t really friends anymore,” I explain. “Her brother kind of went to jail for stalking me. After he was killed, Olivia didn’t want anything to do with me. Not that I blame her. It was too hard for her.”

  “Well, she’s an idiot,” he says.

  “Why do you say that?” I ask.

  “She chose not to keep you in her life. She’s crazy,” he says. “Now that I’ve met you, I don’t think there is anything that could make me not want to be your friend.”

  I can’t help but smile at his comment. “Good, because you couldn’t get rid of me if you tried.”

  “I’m glad to hear that,” Micah says. “So, on Halloween, my band is playing at a party on campus. It’s kind of a big deal, you know, our first gig. And I was wondering if you would come and watch us play, because then at least one person in the audience wouldn’t think we suck. Plus, I think we’d all be less nervous with you there.”

  “Of course, I will be there. I seriously wouldn’t miss it for anything.”

  “Thank you. That means a lot to me,” he says, then quickly adds. “To the band, I mean. You know, all of us.”

  I think about last Halloween. It was the first time Ty and I ever got into a big fight. He tried to pressure me into having sex when I wasn’t ready. I got mad and hid in Gabe’s bedroom for most of the night.

  Halloween was also the first night I was truly scared. There was a threatening note left in my bedroom and I wasn’t sure how it had gotten there. I just hope this Halloween is better.

  I think about the notes left at my door. I really, really hope it’s somebody just jo
king with me, but I can’t help but be scared. I lived last year in fear, and I definitely do not want a repeat.

  I push the thoughts to the back of my mind.

  Right now, I just want to enjoy this trip. This is just the beginning of my college experience and I refuse to let anything from my past hold me back. Not anymore.

  Sunday, September 30

  8 a.m.

  Next time.

  We were only able to stay in Vancouver for one day. And now, we are on the road back home. But, at least I can say I’ve been to Canada. It’s just one more country to add to my list.

  Things between Ty and me are tense. And I know that we need to have a serious conversation, but for right now, I just want to forget it. I want to pretend that all is well.

  Other than the tenseness, it was so fun. We went sightseeing and had a lot of really good food. I’m sad we didn’t get more time there. Hopefully next time, we will.

  “Goodbye, Canada,” Chelsea says as we pack up my SUV.

  “It was fun,” Andrea says.

  “Thanks for bringing me,” Chelsea tells me. “It was an incredible experience.”

  “Definitely. Maybe we will go somewhere else next weekend,” I say.

  “Can’t,” Chelsea says. “I had to beg a co-worker to switch schedules with me. I can’t get another weekend off for a while.”

  “Oh.”

  “Not everybody has rich parents,” Andrea reminds me.

  And just like that, reality sinks in.

  I really have become accustomed to this lifestyle. And I like it.

  Sunday, October 31

  2 p.m.

  Gray’s my favorite color.

  Ty and I have spent the last month avoiding the talk.

  Well, he avoids. I’ve tried to talk to him several times, but he always changes the subject or avoids me all together. And it sucks, because I miss him. Ty is one of my best friends. I did get him agree to come to see Micah and his band play tonight, so that’s good. Even Gabe and Toby are coming. Toby is in town. He says he’s going to skip school tomorrow and just crash here. I don’t mind, because I miss having him around all the time.